Community Isn't Built in Comments: It's Built in Conversations

If you've ever scrolled through your local town Facebook group, you've seen it. A seemingly harmless post about parking, bin collections, or new developments rapidly descends into chaos. Before you know it, you've got 100 people arguing about something that might not even matter by next week, while thousands of silent bystanders watch and judge from the sidelines.

Sound familiar? Thought so. It's something we've all seen. Yet there's a bigger problem here, far more profound than just online squabbling. The real issue is how this scenario is warping our collective idea of what 'community' really is and why it's time we urgently rethink our approach.

Public Debates Aren't True Community

Let's get straight to the point. Community does not live in the comments section. It doesn't thrive in posts that provoke arguments or in reactions that stir negativity. These public forums, while sometimes helpful for information-sharing, are rarely platforms for true community building.

Public social media groups, especially Facebook, often magnify the loudest, angriest, or most polarised voices. It's easy to forget that these voices don't represent everyone, let alone the majority. Instead, they dominate simply because controversy and confrontation generate more engagement. Algorithms love friction. And friction, unfortunately, doesn't foster community, it often fractures it.

When 100 people argue publicly, thousands quietly watch. But what do they actually see? They see division, hostility, and negativity. They see the illusion of a community tearing itself apart rather than one coming together to build something better. This isn’t just unhelpful, it's dangerous. It creates a distorted picture of what is really happening, leaving many feeling disillusioned and disconnected.

The Quiet Truth About Real Community

In reality, genuine community building looks nothing like these heated online exchanges. It rarely happens in full view, with dramatic flair. Real community quietly grows in conversations between two people. It thrives in WhatsApp chats between members checking in on each other, in Slack groups where colleagues celebrate small wins or solve problems together, and in quiet acts of kindness that never reach the public eye.

True community involves trust, understanding, and shared values, things that can't emerge from shouting matches or from likes and reacts on social media. These meaningful connections are built over time, through repeated interactions and mutual respect. Community exists in the quiet, consistent moments that rarely make headlines or provoke algorithms.

It's in these private, genuine conversations that the real work of community building happens. People feel heard, understood, and valued. They share vulnerabilities, ask for help, and offer support without fear of public judgement. This authenticity forms the foundations of strong communities.

How Did We Lose Sight of This?

So how did we start confusing public debates for community? Part of the problem lies in how social media has reshaped our interactions. We're encouraged to broadcast rather than engage deeply. Everything feels public, performative, and reactive rather than thoughtful, considered, and intentional.

Social media can be a powerful tool for amplifying voices, spreading ideas, and driving positive change, but only when used correctly. Too often, it has become a space where superficial interactions masquerade as community engagement. A quick comment or reaction might feel like participation, but without deeper conversation, it does little to foster genuine connection.

Rediscovering the Art of Conversation

The way forward is not complicated, but it requires us to rethink how we approach building community. It means stepping away from public posts that generate friction and moving towards spaces that nurture real conversations like the Citizen Hub.

Ask yourself this, when was the last time you had a meaningful, face-to-face conversation about something important in your community? If it’s been a while, maybe it's time to prioritise conversations over comments.

We need to embrace platforms designed for deeper connection. WhatsApp, Slack, small Zoom gatherings, or even, dare I say it, face-to-face meetings are essential. These are spaces where trust can grow. They allow nuance, vulnerability, and genuine dialogue. They help us reconnect with what community truly means.

What Real Community Looks Like

Let me share a personal example. Through my work with St Neots Initiative and the Citizen Hub, I've seen firsthand how real community develops. It doesn't happen overnight, and it certainly doesn't happen in public arguments online.

Instead, it happens when small groups of people gather to talk honestly about their challenges. It happens when neighbours on the high street organise quietly to help someone in need. It happens when professionals from different sectors collaborate behind the scenes to solve local problems. These aren't loud or glamorous actions, but they're impactful. They're the essence of real community building.

Real community is practical and personal. It's about being present, listening actively, and responding with care and empathy. It's about actions more than words, depth over breadth, quality over quantity.

A New Approach to Community Leadership

If we want healthier, stronger communities, leaders and influencers need to champion this quieter, more authentic form of community engagement. We need to create and encourage spaces where genuine conversation can happen without fear of hostility or judgement. We must be intentional about setting norms and expectations that prioritise empathy, listening, and constructive dialogue.

The goal is to shift our mindset from 'broadcast' to 'engage'. From 'react' to 'reflect'. From public spectacle to meaningful interaction. Only then can we move away from the destructive cycle of negativity and towards a community built on mutual respect, trust, and collaboration.

The Challenge Ahead

Changing this won't be easy, especially when public online groups remain so accessible and influential. But it’s possible. It starts with each of us choosing deliberately where and how we engage. It means recognising that our time, energy, and attention are precious and should be invested carefully.

We have a responsibility to create the communities we want to live in. This won't happen by accident, and it certainly won't happen through online arguments. It will happen through real conversations, meaningful interactions, and sustained effort behind the scenes.

Let's step away from the noise and build something real. Let's redefine what community means and how it grows. Community isn't built in comments, it's built in conversations.